Prank War: John vs Rodney
by IantojJackh
Summary: A follow-up to How John Sheppard Lost His Hair. Rodney gets revenge using one of the things John fears most.
1. Blue Urine

**Rating:** T

**Spoilers**: Season 5- Takes place sometimes after Brain Storm

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters or Stargate: Atlantis

**A/N: Please leave reviews. They are always welcome.**

John watched as Rodney was immersed in something on his computer and snickered to himself as the scientist did not even see him coming. He grinned when at the full cup of coffee next to his_ friend_. Sheppard was using that word loosely these days since the genius made him lose all his hair several weeks ago, which was only starting to look halfway normal. It was time for payback. He had wanted to do something to Rodney while he slept, but that plan was hampered because since his return from Earth, Rodney never spent the night alone. It seemed the two department heads split the nights between their quarters. Even standing right next to him the physicist did not notice him._ Perfect._ John laughed to himself as he poured half a vial methylene blue into the cup of coffee, "You know having sex every night is not good for you." _The rest is for tomorrow._

Rodney had been feeling a dull pain in his lower back since he got up and it was slowly worsening as the day progressed. He whimpered as he tried to rub the pain away, but it was not working, "What?" McKay's narrowed his eyes at John. "Must you be so vulgar?" He snorted at he the mess that was John's hair as it grew back.

"Your back wouldn't be hurting if you two weren't at it every night," he scowled as Rodney laughed at him.

"Oh, please," McKay rolled his eyes. "Just because two people spend the night together does not mean they have sex every night," he sighed. _Most nights, but not every night. Last night, yes. _The pain in his back was causing Rodney to be a little more cranky than normal. He took a sip of his coffee and looked back at John, fighting not to laugh, "I think it is growing in just right."

John made a rude gesture, "Laugh it up, McKay. Your time is coming. You are lucky that you don't sleep alone."

Rodney narrowed his eyes, "Your comment was way out of line. I still think you are just jealous."

"Jealous?" John laughed. "Intrigued is more like it. I expected you to come back and be whining about working up the nerve to ask her on a second date."

"Instead we came back a couple," he smirked, liking the way that sounded. "Aren't you supposed to still me mad at me?"

"I am," he pointed at Rodney. "But it has been too quiet without you."

"Okay, that is a bit creepy," the scientist eyed the colonel carefully. "Too quiet without me…oh, you are messing with me." Rodney took a long sip from his cup.

John shrugged, "Maybe a little." He was still ticked at Rodney, but he would never be able to stay too mad for long. John saw the other man as a brother; more of a brother than his biological one. And what siblings did not pull pranks on one another from time to time? "Are you free for lunch?"

He shook his head, "No. Lunch date with Jennifer. Sorry." Rodney shrugged.

"Come on, dude… pass on lunch with the girlfriend. Ronan doesn't want to race RCs with me on the east pier."

"Um, let me think," Rodney paused for a second, "No!"

"You are no fun," John rolled his eyes. "You were never like this with Katie. You always had time for lunch with me."

"Ugh," the scientist sighed. "Why do you have to bring her up?"

"Because you almost proposed to her?"

"But I didn't," Rodney growled. He really did not want to bring up his ex.

John smirked, "Going to marry this one?" He wanted to pick on his friend a little longer and to see if his prank was going to work.

"I don't know...maybe...probably," he said not looking up from his work, taking another sip of his coffee.

The colonel pointed to the cup of coffee, "How many is that this morning?"

"Six. No, seven."

"And you haven't moved from this lab all morning?" John asked.

Rodney turned to face the man that was full of questions, "What kind of question is that? Are you bored? Is that why you are bothering me?"

"Why are we so cranky?" John asked as he picked up a round object that was next to Rodney's computer.

"Because I am busy and you are bothering me," Rodney looked up and lunged for the object that the military man was tossing back and forth between his hands. "Hey, put that down."

"What does it do?" Sheppard looked at device and shrugged.

The scientist narrowed his eyes, "That is what I am trying to figure out. I don't want you to blow us both up. So put it down." Rodney turned around, "Be right back."

"Where are you going?" John asked.

"Seven cups of coffee. Where do you think I am going?" This would make it the fifth time Rodney had made a trip to the bathroom.

John smirked to himself and wondered how long it would take McKay to complain about the color of his urine.

Rodney returned a minute later, slightly wincing. _Great now it's blue and it burns every time I go._ Normally he would have run straight to the infirmary to get it checked out, but now that he was seeing Jennifer he was embarrassed to see her for these symptoms.

"Everything come out alright?" Sheppard asked.

"What?" the physicist turned his head. "Why are you asking that? You really need to find something to do."

John pouted, "Beers after dinner on the north pier?" He really did missing spending time with the Canadian.

Rodney looked at his watch, "We'll see. Got to meet Jennifer now." He rushed out of his lab, not wanting to be distracted.

* * *

Rodney knew the only time he could be examined in the infirmary and not have a chance of Jennifer walking in was when she was asleep. He carefully untangled himself from the woman, trying not to disturb her. The physicist stood next to the bed for several seconds to make sure she did not stir and when she did not, Rodney quickly left the room. He hoped to be back before she would notice his absence.

McKay was glad to see that one of the male doctors was on call, but he could not quite place the name: Atom...Adama. Adams, that was it. "I've been having lower back pain all day, it burns when I urinate and it has been a blue since around lunchtime."

The physician looked up as Rodney rambled off a list of symptoms. The last symptom struck him as odd, "What is blue?"

Rodney sighed, rolling his eyes, "My urine. Haven't you been listening?"

Adams reached for a specimen jar, "I am going to need a sample before I examine you."

"Fine," the scientist grabbed the jar and headed to the bathroom. "See still blue and burns like fire," Rodney handed over the cup.

"Have you ingested anything with dyes recently," the medical doctor eyed the cup.

"No. Only had coffee and several fruit cups before it changed colors. Haven't eaten anything I haven't had before," McKay made a face. He was still uncomfortable with the situation. "I've had kidney stones before. Could it be an infection?"

"Do you have a fever?" Adams tried to guide the other man to one of the exam tables.

"No," Rodney shook his head and jumped on the table, wincing at the pain in his back.

"How bad is the pain in your back?"

He thought for a moment, "On a scale of one to ten; it would be a six."

The doctor agreed, thinking his symptoms sounded like they could be a kidney or bladder infection, but the blue urine was puzzling. Adams lifted up the back of Rodney's shirt to check the tender spots when he noticed an egg shaped bruise in the middle of his lower back, "Did you injure your back recently?"

"No." Rodney replied.

"You have a bruise right here," the physician touched the area of the bruise.

"I did not have one this morning," the physicist was confused and winced when the area was touched.

Adams shrugged, "It could have taken several hours for the bruise to surface."

That rang a bell for Rodney, "Oh...I might have hit my back last night." He realized Sheppard might have been right with his comment about sex every night was not good for him as he vaguely recalled hitting his back against the faucet in the tub when he was with Jennifer.

The doctor started to think this was not an infection since the back pain had a obvious cause, but he was not going to rule it out. It struck Adams that is was odd that the physicist was seeking treatment in the middle of the night when it was no secret that he was involved with the chief medical officer. He wondered if Rodney was keeping something from his girlfriend, "Might have?" he asked in regards to the back injury.

"Um...yeah. Small shower related accident," Rodney's ears turned pink.

"Okay," the male physician replied. "I need to draw some blood to rule out an infection. I will have the results to you by lunchtime."

* * *

Jennifer was working in the infirmary, reviewing test results when she came across a specimen jar with blue urine, "Haven't seen that in a long time." She started to laugh until she saw who the sample came from and the time it was collected. Rodney had been sleeping next to her when she fell asleep and he was still there when she woke up; so she wondered why he did not wake her. Concerned, the doctor pulled up his chart to see what his symptoms were. _Painful urination, blue urine, lower back pain caused by contusion-shower accident, no fever._

She sighed as she thought about the one symptom they had in common: painful urination. Jennifer had run tests on herself yesterday to rule out an infection, which it did. With the knowledge that both of them were suffering the same ailment Jennifer figured it had to be caused by something that both of them were exposed to. The physician tried to run a list of possible causes until her eyes glanced over at Rodney's chart and saw the back contusion and that is when she had it. She dashed out of the infirmary, heading to Rodney's lab, but first making a stop to her room to pick up the offending item.

John quietly crept into his friend's lab, glad to see it empty except for McKay's coffee cup sitting next to his computer. The cup was full and Rodney nowhere to be seen. _Perfect. _Sheppard began to pour the rest of the vial into the cup when he heard someone clear their throat.

"You are so busted, Sheppard." Jennifer glared from the entrance of the lab.

He tried to pretend that he was not doing anything, "What do you mean?" John tried to hide the vial behind his back, but was not doing a good job of it. "What do you have in your hand?" he pointed to the bottle the female was holding.

Keller was not having any of it, "What is it? Methylene blue?"

John frowned. Of course she would know what it was, "How'd you guess?"

"Old med school prank. Seen it done plenty of times. Revenge for the hair?" Jennifer laughed as she pointed to his head.

The colonel felt self-conscious as she laughed at him, "Of course. Are you going to tell him?"

She gave the man a hard stare, "Yes. You mess with Rodney. You mess with me." There was a menacing tone to her threat.

John eyes widened at her threat. This was a new side of the doctor and it worried him as he could only imagined what the two geniuses could come up with together.

Rodney returned to his lab to see his friend and girlfriend in a staring contest. He cleared his throat, "What is going on here?"

Sheppard shook his head, "Nothing. See you later. We have a mission briefing at sixteen hundred." John left the lab without another word.

The physicist was confused at the tension he felt between them, "What did I just walk in on?" Rodney reached for his coffee, but his hand was slapped away. "What gives?" He massaged his hand.

"The reason you were peeing blue," she reached for the cup and threw its contents in the trash. "John was putting methylene blue in your coffee."

McKay scowled, "He did threaten me yesterday. How did you know?"

"Saw the sample you left last night and then read your chart. How come you did not say anything?" Jennifer's face softened out of concern.

Rodney looked down, feeling ashamed, "I was embarrassed. Didn't want you to think I had some contagious disease."

She shook her head and picked his chin up, "If you had said something I could have figured it out sooner."

"Figured what out?"

Jennifer put the bottled of bubble bath on the table, "That this is what was causing our pain."

Rodney looked at the bottle and then at her, "Our pain? You mean you too?"

She nodded, "It must have something we are both allergic to in it."

The scientist looked the bottle over, "How did you figure it was the bubble bath?"

"Reading you had a bruise on your back. I figured you had to get it when we were in the tub and since we were in there quite a while..."

Rodney started to laugh, "I get it...So what are we going to do about Sheppard?"

Jennifer leaned on the table and looked her boyfriend over, "I'm sure if we put our heads together we can come up with something."


	2. Pennywise

**Rating:** T

**Spoilers**: Season 5- Takes place sometimes after Brain Storm

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters or Stargate: Atlantis

**A/N: Please leave reviews. They are always welcome. Too many ideas bouncing in my head and too much hot weather do not make for a good combo and the real evilness comes out.**

Rodney stepped out the bathroom, shaking the excess water from his hair. He smiled over at the woman sitting on the bed, "What are you reading?" he asked as he pulled a t-shirt on over his head. Tonight the sleepover was in his quarters.

"It," Jennifer held up the large book.

"Odd choice," he laughed. "By odd I mean that clown reminds me of a wraith with those teeth and all." Rodney sat down on the bed next to Jennifer, trying to see what page she was on.

"Hey, stop that," she pushed his face away. "You are distracting me," the blonde did not mind the distraction, but she was at a good part and she wanted to get through it.

"Yes, dear," he sighed. "Just turn out the light when you are done," he gave his girlfriend a quick kiss on the cheek before getting under the covers. Rodney watched her for a moment before closing his eyes and sleep took over.

Jennifer continued to read for almost a half hour, casually stroking his hair as she read. She nearly jumped out of her skin when Rodney suddenly sat up, "What is it?" there was concern in her voice.

"Oh, I got it!" Rodney snapped his fingers in quick succession.

"Got what?" her heart was still pounding.

"How to get back at Sheppard. It just came to me...actually your book gave me the idea," he started to laugh manically. "We know how John just _loves_ clowns."

Jennifer wondered where he was going with the idea and closed her book to hear more, "What did you have in mind?"

"I'm not sure yet. I am thinking life-sized clown in his bed," Rodney looked over at her for approval and to see if she had any ideas of her own.

She grinned, liking the idea, "What about adding sound? Can you make it voice activated?"

Rodney started to chuckle, "Oh...oh...oh. That is an excellent idea. Very good idea. I can manage that." He was very proud that she had come up with that idea. "Smart, devious, evil and sexy. How did I ever get so lucky?" he grinned. The Canadian's mind was racing with all the ideas that flooded his mind. "Of course it will be easy for me to get into his quarters when he is sleeping. But do I fill his rooms with balloons with blood? Okay so it won't be real blood but something that looks like it. It will be the perfect revenge. Scratch the balloons it will be too messy."

Jennifer looked at her boyfriend and shook her head, "How long will it take to get everything you need?" It was all harmless fun the pranks the two were playing as long as neither of them got hurt.

"It shouldn't be too long. I can make most of the clown by myself. I just am going to need to get a head I can send a request with the scheduled dial-in tomorrow. This is going to be great. There won't be anything he can do to top this," he was excited at the prospect of this and could imagine Sheppard's reaction to be woken up by a life sized clown in his bed.

"Make? As in sew?" she asked.

"Oh, not me. I thought you could do that part. Um, I'm not saying that because you a woman, but it is just as if you were stitching someone up, right? I think Radek has some fabric lying are around the lab. I can just _borrow_ some. I have to make all the inner works like the voice box and movable arm," Rodney's ears turned pink.

"It is not exactly the same. I can give it a try, but I cannot make any promises that it will come out like you want it." Jennifer grinned as she noticed his ears turned color. _Nice save, McKay._

He shook his head, "I'm sure you will do fine. It doesn't need to be perfect. Just good enough to look real and scare the daylights out of Sheppard." Rodney never did anything simple. He found John's attempt to turn his urine blue weak in comparison to his plans. Having two geniuses working on an idea was better than one.

"Remind me to never get on your bad side. I don't want to wake up and find my fears next to me," Jennifer tossed the book on the floor and laid down. She was growing tired and she needed to rest, knowing she had an early shift in the infirmary. In the downtime there she could come up with ideas to enhance his plan for Sheppard.

"Don't you worry, the only thing you will be waking up with is me. And unless you find me scary you have nothing to worry about," he smirked. "Wake me up before you leave for your shift. I need some beauty sleep so my brain can recharge. Night," the Canadian quickly kissed her soft lips before settling into the usual cuddling sleep position.

_

* * *

_

_One Month Later_

"Do you almost have it?" Jennifer asked as she stood at the opposite side of the table from where Rodney was working in his lab.

The physicist let out a disgusted sigh as he tossed the mechanical arm on the table, "No!" There was a little more anger in his voice than he would have liked. "I cannot get this damn arm to function right," he ran his hands through his hair, making it stand on end.

She was taken aback by his sudden outburst, but she also found him incredibly adorable at the moment with his messed up hair and face streaked with grease, "Is the mechanical arm that important?" she asked a smile cracking her lips.

"No...yes...no...yes...no. Not really... Sort of. Okay not so much. It would be nice to have, but it works only half the time and I don't want that not working half to be when I really need it. It would have been fun to have. To grab a hold of his arm and not let go, but I have no idea how long it would take me to get it to work. I mean I have an idea why it doesn't work and I don't have the part I need to fix it. So maybe there are a few things around here that have the part but I cannot go harvesting pieces from essential project here and I don't want to wait another month to get the piece from Earth. It looks like I am going to have to go with the voice box only. That is creepy enough as it is, right?" he paused to take a breath.

Jennifer shook her head as he babbled on, only making her smile more, "It will be fine, Rodney." She moved next to him, messing his hair up even more by running her hands through it.

"What are you doing?" Rodney asked.

"Trying to get you to relax," she tried to wipe the grease off his face. "You've been too tense the past two weeks trying to get this clown working. You are coming with me," she grabbed his arm and pulled Rodney to his feet.

"Where are you taking me?" he resisted being pulled from his lab.

"You are taking your girlfriend to dinner in the mess hall. Having you come to bed after I am asleep is not working for me," Jennifer frowned. "You should put your plan into action tomorrow night. Enough is enough."

"Why tomorrow night?" he asked. If she wanted him to put an end to his obsession, why put it off another day.

"Because before you decide to get too wrapped up in something again I want to remind you what you are missing when you get too wrapped up in your work," she said with a suggestive grin, linking her hand with his. Part of her regretted agreeing to help him with this revenge. If she had know it would have been so time consuming she would have steered his mind in another direction.

"What I am missing... oh," it took his mind a moment to get what she was hinting at. "So I am at your mercy tonight?"

"That is one way of putting it."

* * *

_Next day_

"You know I want to wipe that goofy grin right off your face. You had it on all day and it is annoying as hell," John pouted as he picked at his lunch.

Rodney simply rolled his eyes. The goofy grin as the colonel put it was the result of one of the best night of his life and he put off any thoughts of working late for the foreseeable future, "Hmm what were you saying?" he had totally ignored anything the other man had said.

Sheppard knew the Canadian had been too quiet and he hoped it was because he was too busy with his girlfriend to bother with revenge for the blue urine incident, "How's the woman in your life? Any little McKays in the works?"

That got Rodney attention, "No! That is not going to happen for a long while. A long long long while. Shut it, Sheppard." He turned his attention back to his meal. Tonight was the night that Atlantis would hear their military commander scream like a girl. "I've got some work to do," the scientist grabbed for his tablet and headed for the exit.

John frowned at his friend's retreating back. He hated to admit, but he missed having Rodney around to mess around with on their free time. No racing RCs on the lower level of the east pier, no one to play computer golf with. Free time was getting dull and Teyla and Ronan did not appreciate the finer points of Earth entertainment.

* * *

_Later That Night_

John had unsuccessfully tried to raise Rodney on the radio. He had heard that Jennifer had the late shift in the infirmary and thought they could get some male bonding time in. Fate was not on his side tonight. Knowing his team had an early mission in the morning, John thought it would be a good time to catch up on some sleep.

Rodney waited and watched as Sheppard went into his quarters. He purposely ignored the calls over the radio, knowing he had this one chance to execute his plan. McKay looked at his and Jennifer's handiwork. The face was an almost exact replica of Pennywise from the mini-series and he had Bill Lee to thank for supplying it. The Earth-based scientist even found something to make the eyes glow. It was better than he could ever imagine.

Once he was certain that the American was sleeping soundly, Rodney used his override to open the door to John's quarters. It was difficult for McKay not to laugh as he sat the clown down at the foot of his friend's bed. "Sweet dreams, Sheppard." He quickly made his way out of the room and into a suitable hiding spot to activate the voice.

Sheppard had been in a deep sleep when he thought he heard a voice calling to him.

"They all float, John. They ALL float down here. When you're down here with us, you'll float too," the demonic voice came from the clown. Rodney had recorded his own voice and then edited to sound like it was possessed.

John blinked as he heard the voice, not sure if he was dreaming. He turned his head toward the noise and saw an eerie glow from the foot of the bed. "What the hell?"

The voice spoke from the darkness again, "Beep! Beep, Johnny Boy. Let go. Be afraid. You taste so much better when you're afraid."

"Not a dream," he jumped slightly when the glow of the eyes got brighter. John reached to turn on the lamp next to his bed.

"Want a balloon? BEEP! BEEP!"

When light filled the room the colonel let out a small yell, not expecting a demonic clown to be facing him. The sight of the clown made him jump several inches, but it was just enough to send John off the edge of the bed. As he tried to brace his fall his hand hit a water glass on the nightstand. John felt the pain immediately as the glass shattered and become imbedded in his hand. "You are dead, Meredith!" he yelled, figuring that Rodney would not have gone far. "This is what you do when your girlfriend is busy?" Sheppard looked at his hand and saw the blood and knew he would have to make a visit to that girlfriend.

Jennifer had been working on paperwork, wondering how things were going with John. Rodney had not checked in on the radio and she wondered if he had placed the clown yet. She was about to call him when she heard a commotion from the other side of the infirmary and stood up to see what it was about.

"You!" John pointed as soon as he saw Jennifer's head. "Where is he?"

"Where is who?" she knew exactly who she was looking for. "What happened to your hand?"

"Cut it on glass," he said matter of factly. "The soon to be dead chubby Canadian who shares your bed. Where is he?"

"Let's get that looked at," Jennifer went to check out his hand. Things had gone too far and one of them got hurt. This was not how it was supposed to be.

John winced as she cleaned out the wound, "You knew what he was planning, didn't you?" The look on her face told more. "You helped him? That's cheating." Two against one was not fair. He had to grudgingly admit that the clown was a good idea and this meant that he would have to come up with something better and maybe get some help to even out the playing field.

"Who do you think gave him the idea to make it talk?" she said with a shrug of her shoulders. The cut to his hand was not deep and only took two stitches to close. "Should we call a truce?" Jennifer knew Rodney would not hear of it, but she wondered if next time someone would get seriously hurt.

"Not a chance," Sheppard laughed. "Meredith is not going to win this game." Everything had to be a competition with them.

**A/N: **I adapted some of the quote of Pennywise from the mini-series version. Quote taken from IMDB and I got the idea to use IT from reading DH's twitter feed, as he was reading it a while back.


End file.
